How to Activate the Chocolate Gene

Introduction:

Since the 1850s when Mendel studied pea plants, patterns of inheritance have been studied with vigor. Unfortunately, some genes have escaped the notice of most formal investigators. How have they escaped the interest of such researchers? For some it is most certainly due to a lack of importance. Should we concern ourselves with excessive body odor or long feet when there are diabetes and cancer to be cured? For others, it may simply be that they lie dormant until triggered. In this case, we have both. Currently no studies have been performed that explore the inheritance and dominance patterns of the chocolate lust gene among the offspring of heterzygous and/or homozygous parents. In this study, we attempted to define those patterns by observing the offspring of one affected couple. Be determining those patterns, we hoped to locate the gene and understand how it works. With such understanding, we hope to further research into a cure for the terrible effects of this gene and undermine the strangle hold the chocolate industry has on the unsuspecting world populus.

Methods:

Two heterozygous homosapiens of opposite gender and different levels of expression of the gene mated. They produced five offspring, four male and one female. The offspring were tested by exposing them to various chocolate stimuli. The stimuli included candy bars, hot drinks, cold drinks (e.g. YooHoo), marshmallows, boxed confections, cookies, and other numerous items which included peas with offspring number 2 (disasterous outcome). The stimuli were presented during various times and under various circumstances including meals, holidays, temper tantrums, lazy moments in bed when mom was gone, and when parents were not present. The results of each exposure were anecdotally recorded.

Results:

The first three offspring seem to have mild expression of the chocolate lust gene. Their desire for chocolate is tempered and tainted with an unnatural lust for fruit-flavored candy and gum. The last two offspring, male number four and the female, have a stronger expression of the gene. The male will use subterfuge, acrobatics, pity, begging, and tears to acquire and consume chocolate confections. No time of onset was noted with this specimen. The female uses cuteness, affection, humor, tears, and commands to acquire chocolate. The time of onset seems to correspond to acquisition of a chocolate-covered Oreo cookie sitting on the desk next to her maternal parent, yesterday while working on crafts. That first episode was brief since the parents intervened quickly as chocolate covered her hands and began to be spread to surrouding objects. The second exposure was more revealing. Acquistion of the cookie was accomplished by male subject number four. Apparently, he scaled the kitchen counter to lift the bag of cookies placed securely next to fish tank far from the counter edge by his mother only minutes before. Documentation of the effects can be seen in the photos displayed below, which were taken during this episode of extreme chocolate craving. The subject was smiling and giggling the entire time, evidence covering her hands, perioral region, and garments. The oral cavity remained full most of the time. Once enough of the chocolate mass was masticated to allow room for significant mandibular movement, the subject would hastily stuff more into her vacated space.

Discussion:

The chocolate lust gene seems to have variable expression. It can be strongly expressed when activated by a combination of the correct stimuli and environment. The gene is most susceptible to strong activation during the first three years of life and seems to respond best to chocolate-dipped Oreos acquired without parental consent.





Disclaimer:

Angie usually composes posts to the blog, but she is engrossed in a vinyl project at the moment. As a result, I saw the blog screen idly waiting and thought that I might try my hand at "blogging." Here is the non-nerd version:

Earlier today as I was ascending the stairs, I could hear Rowyn in the kitchen giggling. Everyone else was downstairs. I poked my head around the corner and saw her as you see her: a big smile on her face, half a chocolate dipped Oreo in her mouth, and half of one in her hand. She noticed that I was watching her and turned to me with a huge grin on her face and giggled some more. As soon as there was room, she tried to shove the rest of the dark brown confection into her mouth with her messy little hand. She had a huge smile and kept giggling the whole time. She was having a wonderful time. I called Angie up to see. She said that she had just put the bag of 2 cookies in the back corner of the counter where the fish tank is located. We still are not quite sure how she got to them. We speculate whether her brother, Dallin, assisted with the cookie acquisition since both cookies were gone and he is notorious for acquiring food. I wonder if the Cookie Monster was conceived yesterday when Rowyn got hold of one that Angie had sitting on the desk next to her. She had the same smile, incessant giggle, and twinkle in her eye that time, too. I can only surmise that this lust for chocolate is genetic since her paternal parent seems to have the same chocolate weakness.